When I was a teenager working as a camp counselor, the parent of one of my campers once told me how their son knew when I was having an off day.
I’ve never forgotten it, because it forever changed how I go about building group culture. Usually, as a counselor, I was on top of making sure everyone treated each other respectfully. But this camper’s parent told me their son could tell it was an off day for Derek because I wouldn’t “referee” like I normally would. I remember being mortified when they’d told me that, but they were very quick to cut me off. Apparently, their son loved those days because it gave him the chance to “referee” in my place. I’d never known he wanted to. He’d never told me and I’d never given him the chance.
That conversation changed how I think about building group culture. It showed me that accountability and trust really could be built through stewardship instead of micromanagement. That’s originally what led me to start seeing this whole “refereeing” concept as one of group contribution—where my role’s to just gently nudge folks and point toward our shared objective when needed.
The idea starts with not letting things slide when it would be easy to.
That’s the hardest part because it means taking a few extra minutes to do something instead of ignoring it “just this once.” It’s picking up the trash when no one’s looking, or telling your friend that what they said wasn’t cool. It’s a zero tolerance policy for taking the easy way out, and my camper understood that. What I’ve come to learn is that if you teach people how to be a good steward, they go on to teach others. And then the actions of the collective become the self-governing guardrail.
When stewardship is the North Star, the members of the group begin to see the behavior of their peers as the cultural standard. Doing the right thing when no one’s watching isn’t about what you can get out of it. In my experience, it’s actually a game of loss-aversion; because if you can’t be accountable to yourself, why should anyone else?
I’ve yet to see culture behave like an org chart. It’s not built from the top down, and it doesn’t grow from the bottom up either. Because, in reality, it requires both. Accountability builds trust and stewardship spreads it. That’s a simple recipe for life I’m fully bought into… because life is a team sport, especially when you’re having an off day. And it starts with not letting things slide.
Even when it would be easier to let them, “just this once.”
-onward.
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Derek MacDonald 