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bad news beers: lessons in calm control from the front lines of chaos.

Picture of Derek MacDonald

Face first. Onto the pavement.

Or maybe into a puddle or a snow bank.

“And stay out”

TV or movies would have you believe that this is the way people are kicked out of a bar.

I can tell you that most of the time it looks more like calling a ride for the regular. There are other times where someone needs to be dealt with more assertively.

But let me ask: how would you handle it?

Seriously, think about it.

you hear it before you see it. 

The agitated tone makes its way to your ears before the words sink in, alerting your heartbeat of the unfolding confrontation. Loud, out-of-place expletives. Maybe a broken glass or the sound of chairs quickly sliding backward from surrounding tables.

Eyes from 150+ people in the room then watch your conversation with the person being told they need to leave. By you. 

Their colorful, inebriated responses have now earned a decision: the option to accept your help to the exit or to wait for the police to do the same.

how would you structure the conversation?

Let me remind you, your conduct is being observed by a crowd of paying customers at an establishment that you represent. What you say, how you say it, and how you respond to what is said or done to you is being judged by a jury of your patrons.

You’d be hard-pressed to find a comparable situation at an office that would recreate this type of real-time performance feedback. 

The first time I encountered this scenario I was a teenager.

My task was to inform a group of boozed-up employees at a corporate outing that they couldn’t take their drinks into the hot tub with them, again. After calling me a series of names befitting the Boston suburb, the most boisterous of them emptied his drink over my head.

Most people don’t know how to respond to confrontation, let alone a public display of someone else's. For some, there’s a delay in understanding what they’ve witnessed. Others freeze. Few react with aggression. 

There’s one consistency.

The reaction of the person being mistreated will influence the tone for the onlookers.

It’s a lot like when a toddler bumps their head and looks to their parent for instructions on how they’re supposed to react.

Accepted behavior determines social norms.

the benefits of corralling chaos with calm.

In my twenties, my trained ears heard the slurred string of out-of-place expletives cascading across the room in one of our company’s Jackson Hole restaurants. The screeching chairs, and the accompanying silence of a crowd’s rapt attention followed.

When faced with pressurized situations, biological stress narrows our field of vision and our mental attention. Our heart rates increase as our nervous systems engage what we call “fight or flight”. 

It makes sense.

Throughout evolution, the singular focus of escaping when being hunted was a good trait to develop. It eliminates decision making to prioritize survival.

But that’s the problem. We want our decision making.

Training tells us that 2 inhales to 1 exhale is an effective intervention for resetting the nervous system. So is engaging your peripheral vision. Box breathing is a technique used by the Navy SEALs to regain control of their cognition during a “fight or flight” takeover of their nervous system — a series of 4-second-each inhales, held breath, and exhales.

responding instead of reacting.

“Gentleman”, my introduction was calm. “How is your food?”, I asked them this to intentionally redirect their focus. 

“If you’re still hungry, I’d recommend the elk poutine. The gravy and cheese curds are fantastic. Can I get that started for you?”

  • I asked about them.

  • I offered them something.

  • I gave them a turn to be the decision maker.

“Great. While I work on that, I need you to keep the volume down and be more respectful of the other folks near you.”

They always downplay, patronize, or otherwise make light of this part. But, it’s important to include it anyway. For them, and for the jury of your patrons.

Because next, they’re going to order more drinks. You’ve just offered them food, after-all. 

“Unfortunately, I won’t be able to serve you any more alcohol this evening. Can I get you a round of waters while you wait for your food?”

Back to expletives.

“If you’re looking to keep your night going in a more lively atmosphere, there are a couple of bars across the street I can recommend that stay open later than we do. If you want some food here before you head there, I can make that happen. But you won’t be served more alcohol here tonight”.

this is when I won the jury. it’s also when I got hit.

And that is why they earned a choice.

“I can help you to the door, or the police are going to”.

A calm but firm delivery does a few things:

 

It tells the onlookers who has control.

With the backing of the onlookers, it sends the message to the asshole that they are, in fact, the asshole.

It’s great for documentation later. “cover your own ass” as they say.

 

Once they’d left, our team did a few more things.

  1. We called the neighboring bars to give them a heads up.

  2. We communicated to our team what to do if the assholes returned.

  3. We locked the back door, used by the staff  for smoke breaks.

 

mostly, we earned 150 loyal customers — as well as any friends they’d send our way.

Play your game, not theirs. Don’t let the assholes distract you. Perspective develops understanding.

Understanding creates problem solving.

  • I learned about what to say and how to say it as a server/bartender before I was a copywriter.

  • I learned about when to say it and why it needed to be said as a snowboard instructor before I was a consultant. 

  • I learned about how to say it differently the second time as a backcountry trip leader before I was a team leader. 

  • I learned about making it happen as a strategist before I was a manager.

I learned about most of it by doing. When I couldn’t find it, I learned by searching and then by asking.

The standard starts with you.

Set it and protect it.

onward.

-dm